OMG! There is, like, soo much going on with my fave celebs these days, how do I keep up? So I'm totally going to give you the lowdown on the latest, and shed the light of my own wisdom on it! Read on!

Britney Shaves her Head

Issue:
Britney Spears totally shaved her head! OMG! She has no hair!

What I think:
I COULDN'T GIVE A FLYING RATS ASS. I was busy reading up on the polar ice caps, which, if they continue to melt at their current rate, will inundate most of Florida, NYC and India in a century. Perhaps the lack of hair on Britney's head will cause more of her body heat to dissipate into the atmosphere, thus fueling global warming. No? Then why am I wasting half a brain cell talking about it?

Anna Nicole Smith

Issue:
Whoa! Anna Nicole died of mysterious causes just months after her son also died of mysterious causes!

What I think:
IS THERE NOTHING ELSE GOING ON IN THE WORLD? It took Britney shaving her head to get Anna Nicole stock footage off of CNN. People die every day. Lots of them. Many of them from mysterious causes. But, most of them were never in Playboy, so we feel free to ignore them. I'm sorry, I don't care how you say it. A celebrity dying will NEVER be more newsworthy to me than a regular person dying, unless the person's celebrity status is a result of some significant contribution they've made to the world. I feel for her family, and her newborn daughter, but no more than I feel for the woman who was killed on the freeway in California last week and her family. So drop it already.

Brad Pitt and <insert love interest of the moment here>

Issue: Did you hear the latest about Brad and Angelina?

What I think: Nope.

And people wonder why I don't watch TV. You know what's a more pressing issue to me? How about: How the hell did I get this black ink all over my arm? I haven't used any pens or anything today. Is someone sneaking around with a sharpie? I mean, really? Good thing I'm wearing black today.

I could keep this up all day, but that would require me to actually look for actual celebrity news, and that would kill valuable brain cells, so I'll refrain. Besides, I'm sure you get the picture by now. Listen, America is the country in which the people have the power. This is still true. So how is power kept by those we've lent it to? Well, how about conditioning the populace to look the other way while the power is abused and solidified, and freedom is drained away? What better way to hide the enormous red flags and blinking neon signs that say "Warning" and "Danger", then to condition the populace to pay more attention to the lives of the pretty people than they do to their own?  Listen, I know I'm paranoid, but I'm not paranoid about things that don't make logical sense. Here we are, spending our time thinking and talking about Brad and Angelina instead of noticing the world slipping away all around us. We're bombarded. Airport TVs, grocery store checkout lines, every television station, radio stations, they all talk about the same thing: Nothing important. Meanwhile, unknown to most, the president tries to pull funding for the last public owned (and therefore not corporate controlled) news outlet, PBS and NPR. Did anyone notice that? Did you hear about it on the news between stories about Britney and Anna Nicole? I didn't think so. The sad thing is, most people are so conditioned, so used to it, so brainwashed, that they honestly don't care about the things that matter any more. And they certainly don't care to do anything about it.

EDIT: Since writing this article, a conversation broke out among my co-workers about Britney Spears that is going on as I type. I usually just sit quietly and wait for the subject to change. Am I the only one who feels like he's on the wrong planet?